1. He asks to borrow your Oyster card

2. He thinks Nandos is an appropriate date location

3. He rides a Segway

4. He argues with people he doesn’t know in the comments of celebrities’ Instagram posts

5. He wears a bucket hat in the club

6. He doesn’t know what you do for a living

7. He comments on how attractive your family members/friends are

8. He talks/chews loudly during films

9. He accesses Netflix through a stolen password

10. He talks about his favourite football players as if they’re his best friends

11. He isn’t religious, but is always criticising those who are

12. He still uses hotmail

13. He uses the roadman filter on Instagram

14. He won’t make plans to meet you beyond a one mile radius of his house

15. He asks you to take pictures of him as he poses nonchalantly with bottles of Moët in clubs

16. He doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re

17. He hollers at girls from the passenger side of his best friend’s ride

18. He beeps his horn to let you know he’s outside instead of calling/ringing the door bell

19. His biggest ambition is to get a black Nandos card and be verified on Twitter

20. He ‘forgets’ his wallet when you go out to eat

21. He’s in the club Thursday – Saturday, but you have to book two weeks in advance to see him

*all characters and scenarios appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.